Lame Jamz! Jimmy quit, Jody got married!

The next time you want to seduce a lover, go buy some nice wine. Prepare a simple yet elegant dinner- maybe an Eggplant Cavatapi- and chill the wine. As the wine cools (in a bucket of ice, never the freezer) let the smoked mozzarella really melt into the Cavatapi while you excuse yourself to the local florist. Buy a dozen roses- for her, obviously- and ask if the florist if he wouldn't mind including two extra roses at no cost.

If you don't have this kind of rapport with your local florist, I recommend you start developing such a relationship as soon as possible. It's never too late.

You then pluck the petals of the two extra roses, and seductively place them leading a path to the bedroom. Keep the wine on ice, but kill the heat on the eggplant dish five minutes prior to the arrival of your beloved. A spritz or two of Calvin Klein's Eternity is optional.

Upon the entrance of your soulmate, you make deep, meaningful eye contact and compliment their choice of evening wear. You move toward her, hold her close to your body, and kiss her forehead.

Then, your friends Bradley and Kevin reveal themselves from the pantry. Bradley carries with him a boombox. As he presses play, you break your embrace to join Bradly and Kevin in a line against the far wall. The three of you proceed to sing "All for Love", the theme from Disney's The Three Musketeers, to your lover. You sing with great conviction. At the second "When there's someone that you need" in the final verse of the song, you rush forward to scoop your object of desire into a fireman's lift. Turning once, you pass Bradley and Kevin on your way into bedroom, and belt out that last "Let's make it aaall, all for one and all for luhr-hur-hurve" before slamming the door.

As you commence fevered, physical union with your mate, Bradley and Kevin will eat the Cavatapi and drink the wine left in the kitchen, and you'll say to the girl, "Some people don't think Bryan Adams is fucking hardcore, but they just don't understand it like us now do they."

Wax Audio "Enter You" (Bryan Adams vs. Metallica)

Bryan Adams "Summer of 69 (DJ Topcat's Miami Bass Remix)"