/am.fm.pm/: I know this story like the back of my hand.

"Aliens" by Bruce McCulloch

When the aliens came down to Earth, they immediately understood everything: How motors worked; How matter grew and eroded; The death of the veranda. The only thing that puzzled them that day and night was, "Why are there laugh tracks on TV?" It didn't compute. It made their gadgets go ga-ga. It's hard to explain a laugh track to an alien; It's so true it should be a cliché. But I digress, which is something an alien never does.

The only other thing the aliens didn't understand is, why are there so many lonely people? Why didn't they simply pair up? Merely get together? The aliens said they could understand one lonely person. Like at a dance, arms folded, toe tapping- Wanting to dance but staring bravely at the rest, saying, "Oh, I'm fine- You guys go have weddings and birthdays and warm backs to cuddle, I'm okay standing alone."

The aliens said they could understand one lonely human,
but not an army of Soups-For-One in the grocery checkout, not an army of ones renting Passion Fish, or some other dull piece of shit every Friday night in the video store; those sleeping alone in a ten-year-old shirt. An army of ones, brushing their hair for no-one. The candleless birthdays. Those trying to keep practiced in love with a bird, or a dog, or simply by remembering. A million lights quietly shutting off.

The aliens were almost deafened by the sound of the pages being turned in the books read by the lonely. The aliens were almost murdered by the thought of those waking up to just a clock-radio. "Why don't they just get together," asked the aliens. I didn't know how to explain it to them.

"Don't tell anyone we were here," they said.

"Who do I have to tell?"

After they left, I solved the mystery: The laugh track is for me. The laugh track is for us. The laugh track is there to remind us
that we
are not
alone.

Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Wait. Wrong story.

So, I'm sorry I haven't written anything all week. I'm tired. I'm in a creative gutter. I'm in the throes of a huge existential headache. And I can't be clever right now. To compensate, here's a one-off super bonus re-up of a former feature, the am.fm.pm mixtape. New comics this weekend. New TYL on Monday. Godspeed.

Joe Esposito "You're the Best"

Lenlow "Eye of the Robot" (Survivor vs. Daft Punk)

The Pointer Sisters "Dare Me (Extended Mix)"

Steve Winwood "Valerie"

Anita Baker "Sweet Love"

50 Cent feat. The Game "Hate It Or Love It"

Christopher Cross "Ride Like the Wind"

M.I.A. "Paper Planes (DJ B. Cause vs. Annie Lennox Party Break)"

MF Doom "Hoe Cakes"

The Bloodhound Gang "Lift Your Head Up High"

Daft Punk "The Prime Time of Your Life"

Boy Meets Girl "Waiting For A Star to Fall"

The Upright Citizens Brigade Manifesto

I do hereby swear to embrace chaos, to disrupt the sedentary status quo at all costs, to fight the manipulative regulation of government and social norm. I will engage the narrow-minded and expose them for their ignorance. My allegiance to the Upright Citizens Brigade will be first and foremost herewithin. I was so frightened I almost ran away I didn't know that I could do Anything I needed to And then a bolt of lightning Hit me on my head Then I began to see I just needed to believe in me Now I, I believe in me And I, I believe in something more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me They said I didn't stand a chance i wouldn't win no way But I've got news for you There's nothing I can't do Ain't no pretending Ain't no make believe But I've got to be the one I gotta do what must be done Don't think I believe in me Yes, I believe in me - yeah I don't need no money I don't need no fame....No I just need to believe in me And I know most definitely Don't need to get wasted It only holds me down I just need a will of my own And the balls to stand alone Don't think Well do you really Yes, I believe in me Do you do you Yes, I believe in me I wanna rock 'n roll Yes, I believe in me! In these times of contention it's not my intention to make things plain I'm looking through mirrors to catch the reflection that can't be mine I'm losing control now I'll just have to slow down a thought or two I can't feel the future and I'm not even certain that there is a past I believe in the worker's revolution And I believe in the final solution I believe in I believe in I believe in the shape of things to come And I believe in I'm not the only one Yes I believe in I believe in When I poison my system I take thoughts and twist them into shapes I'm reaching my nadir and I haven't an idea of what to do I'm painting by numbers but can't find the colours that fill you in I'm not even knowing if I'm coming or going if to end or begin I believe in the immaculate conception And I believe in the resurrection And I believe in I believe in UCB. I believe in the elixir of youth And I believe in the absolute truth Yes I believe in I believe in There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore I've fallen from favour while trying to savour experience I'm seeing things clearly but it has quite nearly blown my mind It's the aim of existence to offer resistance to the flow of time Everything is and that is why it is will be the line I believe in perpetual motion And I believe in perfect devotion I believe in I believe in I believe in the things I've never had I believe in my Mum and my Dad And I believe in I believe in There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore I'm skippin' the pages of a book that takes ages for the foreword to end Triangular cover concealing another aspect from view My relative motion is just an illusion from stopping too fast The essence of being these feelings I'm feeling I just want them to last I believe in original sin And I believe what I believe in Yes I believe in I believe in I believe in the web of fate And I believe in I'm going to be late So I'll be leavin' What I believe in There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore There is no love in this world anymore I got a new life you would hardly recognize me I'm so glad how can a person like me care for you why do I bother when you're not the one for me is enough enough I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign life is demanding without understanding I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong but where do you belong Under the pale moon for so many years I've wondered who you are how can a person like you bring me joy under the pale moon where I see a lot of stars is enough enough I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign life is demanding without understanding I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong but where do you belong I saw the sign and it opened up my mind and I am happy now living without you I've left you I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign I used to think that I could not go on And life was nothing but an awful song But now I know the meaning of true love I'm leaning on the everlasting arms Don't think If I can see it, then I can do it If I just believe it, there's nothing to it I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my wings and fly away I believe I can soar I see me running through that open door I believe I can fly I believe I can fly I believe I can fly See I was on the verge of breaking down Sometimes silence, it can seem so loud There are miracles in life I must achieve But first I know it starts inside of me Now I have a story that I'd like to tell About this guy - You all know me - had me scared as hell He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed He's burnt up like a weeny and his name is Fred He wears the same hat and sweater every single day And even if it's hot outside - he wears it anyway He's home when I'm awake but he shows up when I'm asleep I can't believe that there's a nightmare on my street It was a Saturday evening if I remember it right And we had just gotten back off tour last night So the gang and I thought that it would be groove If we summoned up the posse and bum-rushed the movie I got Angie Jeff got tine Ready Rock got some girl I'd never seen In my life That was all right though 'cause the lady was chill Then we dipped to the theater set to ill Buggin', cool, having' a ball And somethin' 'bout Elm Street was the movie we saw The way it started was decent, ya know Nothin' real fancy About this homeboy named Fred and this girl named Nancy But - word - when it was over I said yo', that was def And everything seemed all right when we left But when I got home and laid down to sleep That began the nightmare on my street! It was burning in my room like a oven My bed soaked with sweat And man I was bugging I checked the clock and it stopped at twelve-thirty It had melted it was so darn hot And I was thirsty. I wanted something cool to quench my thirst I thought to myself, yo, this heat is the worst! But when I got downstairs I noticed something was wrong I was home all alone but the TV was on I thought nothing of it as I grabbed the remote I pushed the power buttonand then I almost choked When I heard this awful voice Coming from behind It said, "You got my favorite letter but now you must die!" Ma, I didn't even wait to see who it was Broke inside my drawers and screamed, "So long, cous'!" Got halfway up the block I calmed down and stopped screaming Then thought, "Oh, I git it, I must be dreaming" I strolled back home with a grin on my grill I think that since this is a dream I might as well get ill I walked in the house, the Big Bad Fresh Prince But Freddy killed all that noise real quick! he grabbed me by my neck and said "Here's what we'll do We gotta lotta work here, me and you The souls of your friends you and I will claim You've got the body and I've got the brain" I said, "Yo Fred I think you got me all wrong I ain't' partners with nobody with nails that long Look, I'll be honest,man, this team won't work The girls won't be on you, Fred, your face is all burnt!" Fred got mad and his head started steaming But I thought, "What the hell, I'm only dreaming" I said, "Please leave, Fred, so I can get some sleep But give me a call and maybe we'll hang out next week" I patted him on the shoulder and said, "Thanks for stoppin' by" Then I opened up the door And said, "Take care, guy!" He got mad, threw back his arm, and slashed my shirt I laughed at first, then thought, "Hold up, that hurt" It wasn't a dream, man, this guy was for real I said, "Freddy, uh, pal, there's been an awful mistake here" No further words and then I darted upstairs Crashed through my door then jumped on my bed Pulled the covers up over my head And said, "Oh please do something with Fred" He jumped on my bed, went through the covers with his claws Tried to get me, but my alarm went off And then silence It was a whole new day I thought, "Huh, I wasn't scared of him anyway" Until I noticed those rips in my sheets And that was proof that there had been A nightmare on my street O man, I gotta call Jeff, I gotta call Jeff Come on, come on Come on Jeff, answer! Come on, man Hello Jeff, this is Prince, man Jeff, wake up, Jeff, wake up What do you want? Jeff, wake up, man, listen to me, Jeff It's three o'clock in the morning Jeff, Jeff, would you listen to me? What? Listen, whatever you do, don't fall asleep Maaan Jeff,listen to me, don't go to sleep, Jeff No, NO, I talk to you tomorrow, I'm gong to bed Jeff! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! (Ha ha ha ha ha haaaa) Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Answer me, Jeff! I'm your UCB, now. Don't think.