Nine Lesser Known Secrets of The Ooze:

9. The Ooze has a passion for swing dancing.

8. The Ooze shoplifts knick-knacks that it could totally afford.

7. The Ooze never told Mark how much he loved him before he died in that snowmobiling accident.

6. The Ooze has a favorite parent.

5. The Ooze wore your turtleneck and totally meant to return it, but some shit dribbled off a slice of pizza that The Ooze was eating and try as it did to wash it out, the thing just wouldn't clean. The Ooze then threw it away to destroy the evidence.

4. The Ooze tells its friends it is voting for Ron Paul, but will probably vote for McCain.

3. The Ooze distrusts Spanish women.

2. In middle school, The Ooze called its best friend "white trash" so Ricky Garson would think it was cool and invite it to his party. The Ooze was not invited to Ricky's party, and it never apologized to its friend.

1. The Ooze often has panic attacks about future lovers leaving it for another Ooze.