TELuhbone.

So, I'm not gonna be able to pay my cell phone bill this month due to some recent unexpected expenses. The severance of such a tether can actually be a little liberating, but to preempt the inevitable "Hey man, why is your phone off?"s from friends and family, I've taken the opportunity to compile a list of twenty five possible answers for them:

1. Money's a little tight.

2. I don't wanna talk to you anyways.

3. Participating in upcoming balloon race around the world; the hell I'm gonna pay those roaming charges.

4. All my cash is tied up with investment in can't-fail "yarn/tin can" telecommunication venture.

5. Subtle, personal revolt against the Patriot Act.

6. Dammit, I got mouths to feed.

7. Enticed by late night TV advertisement, ended up in a stormy, explicit text message relationship that's just getting a little too heavy.

8. Donated this month's daytime minutes to political canvasing effort.

9. Well, it was either the phone, or my last kidney.

10. Interrogation by The Matrix didn't go so well; had lips melted together.

11. Lousy A.A. sponsor can't find me now, can he?

12. Because Alexander Graham Bell robbed Elisha Gray!

13. Preventative measure against ever receiving that spooky "You're gonna die in a week" message ala One Missed Call.

14. Look, don't take this the wrong way, but your voice is just nails on a chalkboard to me. Honestly, nails on a chalkboard.

15. Misunderstood the "Turn Off All Cell Phones" directive at beginning of last movie I saw theatrically.

16. All my telephone conversations are WGA written ; running out of scripts.

17. Through with the talking, ready for love, baby.

18. Busy rehearsing "The Miracle Worker".

19. Phone got near the All Spark cube, turned into a Transformer.

20. Some asshole keeps adding "Purple Monkey Dishwasher" to the end.

21. Can only call in for tickets to the next dope Hot 97 show from a land line. It's where hip hop lives!

22. Okay, okay, here's you. Here's you: "Talk talk talk. Talk talk talk. Blah blah, I have a stupid name, and all I do is talk talk talk." And here's me: "SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP."

Okay, wait, that came out all wrong.

23. Vow of silence.

24. Been feeling a little phony lately.

25. Sick of bill collection calls from phone company.


Bonus Jam!: Cake "No Phone" (mp3)