I will get down on my knees.

Do you remember that Jerry Maguire edit of Bruce Springstein's "Secret Garden" that saturated the Top 40 playlists back in 1996? The version where the instrumental bridges are filled with dialogue from the movie? Bruce sings "See- krit- gaaawdin- don't thank twice", and the mix immediately drops into a tremble-lipped Tom Cruise saying "You mean I'm gonna be a daddy?" (I suspect there was some such edit for Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On" as well.) Tasteless but harmless, I suppose we can thank Springstein and the soundtrack licensing department at Sony for avoiding such an experiment with "Streets of Philadelphia", the theme from Philadelphia. Can you image the outrage that would have ensued had the radio edit of that track had the Boss warbling "Awnna streetsuv Phil'delphia..." with Tom Hanks saying "You mean I'm gonna die from AIDS?" over those hushed "Na Na Na Na"s at the end of each verse? Logic dictates it probably wouldn't have gone over too well.

With this in mind, for six years now, I've been struggling with the remix logic of a sense memory I wasn't quite sure had actually happened: September 11th. (Yes, yes, I know that September 11th actually happened. I imagine 9-11 deniers, if there are any, must be just barely less reviled than Holocaust deniers if only for the element of deranged whimsy.)

I was a high school sophomore in the fall of 2001, sitting in my B Period Algebra II class with Mr. Assadoorian when he, listening to sports radio as he did during "Worksheet Time" announced that "whoa, some nutso crashed an airplane into the World Trade Center!". The class thought little of it at the time, myself included. It wasn't until our principal Mr. Dillon came on the intercom to direct all teachers to collect students' cell phones and pagers that I knew something was amiss. As a member of Student Council that and every year of high school, I'd had a hand in drafting the school's emergency procedure guidelines, and spent the next hours panicked as protocols for the "Student With a Gun On Campus" scenario unfolded around me.

The day ended as it did, the country froze up for a few days as it did, and we find ourselves here today: reasonably unscathed. That feeling of "did that really happen?" I'd mentioned earlier had little to do with the tragedy itself, but more to do with how fucking weird and- as I saw it- inappropriately sentimental everybody got in the weeks after. So here goes: for some time now, I've distinctly remembered all of the Boston area Clear Channel and Infinity stations broadcasting a bunch of what I'll call "9-11 Remixes" of soft rock songs in the days following the attacks. Using that Springstein/Jerry Maguire device of music mashed up with dialogue, these songs filled their instrumental bridges not with affirmations of love from Renee Zelwegger, but with news audio clips of terrified people screaming "OH MY GOD THE BUILDINGS ARE FALLING DOWN!"

Every time I've tried to track any of these down (the Blessid Union of Souls' "I Believe" and Jewel's "Hands" edits stand out in my mind) people look at me like I'm a crazy person. They look at me like I've just pitched the "Streets of Philadelphia AIDS Remix" to the soundtrack department at Sony. How tasteless, right?

I finally fucking found them. Three of the worst songs ever, made so, so much worse. Get your hankies.

Blessid Union of Souls "I Believe (9-11 Remix)"

Jewel "Hands (9-11 Remix)"

Enya "Only Time (9-11 Remix)"

I'd wanted to wrap this write up with some prolific expression of patriotism, an Eagle Scout essay on what it meant to be an American. The best I can do is call to mind Bruce McCulloch's terrific Kids in the Hall monologue "That's America", and offer the following: While assembling this post, I did a Google image search for the word "America". I like the first result a whole lot.